Dear Mr. President:
We are pleased to officially announce the creation of the Super PAC: The Coalition of the Stood-Up for Trump.
We followed the recent events of your highly anticipated “make rallies great again” event in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Many of us were shocked and sickened by what unfolded: You got stood up. You got ding-dong-ditched hard, Mr. President. That is a wound that cuts deeper than a Betsy DeVos budget for school lunch programs. We understand, we do.
First, please know that none of this is your fault. You are a great man engaged in very important business such as texting with Sean Hannity from your bunker or unleashing military power on violent protesters like young families and the elderly. Finding time in your busy schedule to connect with the honest Americans who propelled you to office by not voting at all is something we should be thanking you for! Something we talk about a lot in this community is how far too often it’s the plain-spoken kid, going through life with his head down buying other peoples’ affections who winds up getting treated like a pariah. Mr. President, you have nothing to be ashamed of here.
Second, we want you to know that we understand all too well what you’ve just been through. Who among us has not experienced the numbing pain that comes when 35 people respond “YES” to the Evite for your Oscar viewing party and only two show up? And those two people were a couple that had to leave after an hour because of an “issue” with their sitter. We still feel the sting of humiliation from our abandoned bar and bat mitzvahs and our sweet sixteen birthday busts. We recall with searing clarity every table for two that wound up hours and hours and hours later being a doggy bag for one. We can still see ourselves on those Saturdays, sitting on the front stoop waiting for dad to pick us up on his weekend, only to end up spending the afternoon at the mall with mom who let us pick out the most expensive toy in the store. And ice cream for dinner-always.
It sucks. We get it. There’s nothing wrong with taking a little time to repair, Mr. President. After getting so harshly, utterly washed as you just did, it’s only natural to want to make yourself feel better by trying to buy Greenland again or sending a gift basket of DF-41 intercontinental ballistic missiles to your good friend Kim Jong-un. (By the way: we totally believe you when you said it was you who called off that meeting with those Taliban leaders at Camp David and not because they texted last minute that they were spending the weekend on Mel Gibson’s private island). Self-care is always important and no more so than when you are trying your best to run both a country and a campaign and are still waiting to hear if China and Russia will help you out again. Your stress level, Mr. President—we don’t envy it.
All of this is to say, don’t let this embarrassing, ego-shattering supposed indictment of your worst qualities get you down, especially knowing that The Coalition of the Stood-Up for Trump Super PAC is behind you all the way! We are excited to raise some amount of *money in support of your great reelection. We want to make sure that you have the financial support you need to fill entire small town high school gymnasiums with loyal, decent, hardworking card carrying SAG actors to cheer you on and look great doing it, too.
Remember: There are no limits to greatness, Mr. President, only to the number of times you can cancel an Air BnB reservation on late notice without losing your deposit.
The Coalition of the Stood-Up for Trump
*Full disclosure: we don’t have a good track record with getting people to respond to our texts or emails or show up at our informational meetings.