Stay Weird, Beacon Hill: Part Four
New England takes a belligerent and obnoxious pride in being the region where colonists first touched down in 1620 to smear their white privilege all over the place, launching the biggest fake news campaign in world history with their “we were chosen by God to colonize this new land” song and dance. These first Puritan settlers celebrated the “success” (success including staying alive) of their first year in this harsh, new territory with a harvest feast that came to be known as the first Thanksgiving.
Colonist Edward Winslow left a first-hand account of the event where he wrote about things like the food—shellfish, deer, fruits and nuts (sorry, no tofurkey or weird creamy bean casserole dish that Aunt Janice insists on bringing each year)—and the general activities such as games and military exercises that took place over this three-day celebration. And of course, the first Thanksgiving wouldn’t have been complete without a contingent of Native Americans from the Pokanoket Wampanog tribe because the colonists thought it would just be rude not to invite them, also: they were here first.
However, a missing page from Winslow’s account recently surfaced. In it, Winslow reveals another set of guests: Imperial Stormtroopers!
There appeared advancing through a clearing of chestnuts, a group of men painted in white suits of amor. I asked Chief Massasoit if these were some of his own warriors. He shrugged, replying, “We thought they were with you.”
As the White-Armored Men came closer, we could see they were wearing garb like our own. Perhaps they had been stow-aways? I never did get a chance to ask them what sort of knighthood they belonged to or how it came to pass they had voyaged on the Mayflower to this extraordinary land. At any rate, they were white and that was good enough for our crowd.
We waved them closer to the long tables, laid out with platters of venison, oysters, and parsnips. The youth seemed especially delighted with our new guests, entreating the White-Armored Men to chase after them wildly firing off their unusual-looking muskets. The White-Armored Men were not good shots, I am thankful to report. Later on in the afternoon, two of their party evidently enjoyed too much of our precious mulled cider. They fell with a mighty clatter that made the children clap with joy and our new Native American friends draw their bows and shoot arrows in their led chest plates for sport. What fun was had by all!
Of course, should we find out they are not of our kind, we will want to begin instructing them in the Word and taking their land as fast as possible.