Shhh! A Woman Is Eating!

Watch how she fishes around in the shiny, red bag. See her lift the exquisite perfect chip, it’s orange-dusted ridges undulating like the fins of a sting ray. Now she lifts it to her lips, a slight pause on the threshold, and then…..nothing! No chomp, no crunch, no crack like a tiny lightening bolt landing on your tongue. What just happened? What baker’s sorcery is at work here? It’s no magic; it’s science engineered for revolutionary aims. Dorito’s “lady-friendly” chips mean that now women can experience their snack foods the way we are meant to experience the rest of our lives: silently.

Gone are those embarrassing moments around a chip bowl for women that announce “I’m here!” or “I have opinions!” or “I eat, too!” We’ll never have to worry about the enthusiastic snap of a chip giving away the fact that you’re way more into this thin slice of carbs than her or him. It’s like if a food item were Spanx, keeping everything tidy and discrete. No more anxiety during the big game that the sound of your deafening consumption might drown out his cheers over an exciting play or might derail his armchair coaching. The team needs me, baby. What they dont need is the reverberations of your insufferable, earsplitting snack chip mastication filling up this entire house with noise! Jesus Christ, woman! Its bad enough that we cant even go to an Arbys without seeing some woman at a booth with her ya-yas out feeding her baby, the least you can do is eat your damn food in such a way where we dont have to remember that youre an actual person!

Lady-friendly Doritos made this woman so quiet, no one noticed her stealing this baby. Thanks Doritos!

Agreed. Yes. You make a lot of sense. Thank you Doritos for helping us to police one more nasty, unmanageable, incredibly inconvenient parts of ourselves: our mouths. Admittedly, we’ve been a bit lax on this front lately. Rallies, award shows, social media– flooded with women’s voices talking about so many interesting, uncomfortable things. In fact, we can’t seem to shut up. It’s almost like we enjoy expressing ourselves in all kinds of ways—what we say, what we wear, what we eat, what we buy, what we buy to eat, the food products bought by us with our hard-earned 79 to every man’s 100 pennies. You hearing this, ‘Ritos? No? Maybe you should eat a bag of your own damn chips.

 

 

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Sheila C. Moeschen I am a writer from Boston. Visit sheilamoeschen.com for more.

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